KENNEDY: ‘Me First’ Meghan is in a situation stickier than huckleberry jelly! Kate’s tragic cancer news now means ‘American Riviera Orchard’ must wither on the vine… or else the Duchess risks looking like an unfeeling Viscountess of Venom

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Written By Maya Cantina

Has Meghan ‘me first’ Markle misfired?

The ‘American Riviera Orchard’ launch is morphing into a massive headache for Princess Neverwas.

As frenzied fascination bubbled around the MIA Princess of Wales last month, Meghan unveiled her gleaming, greige lifestyle brand.

Some suggested the Duchess was callously piggybacking off so-called Kategate to flog her new jams, spreads and silly bits. Others said they couldn’t believe she was so carelessly cooking in a white top with no apron in that cringingly spewtastic promo vid.

Either way, the timing felt like something of a snub to the Waleses.

Scurrilous Stateside rumors about the health of their marriage were swirling to boiling point. Dirty duo Andy Cohen and Stephen Colbert were popping gags at Kate’s expense. And the proximity of Meg’s Insta unveiling felt a little too close for Californian comfort as Prince William stepped out on stage in London just hours later, at an awards ceremony honoring his late mother. Ouch!

Of course, the brand itself is a shameless royal masquerade. (See Meghan, Duchess Defector, decked out in floor-length ballgown, and the phony-baloney gold embroidered logo.)

Has Meghan ‘me first’ Markle misfired? The ‘American Riviera Orchard’ launch is morphing into a massive headache for Princess Neverwas.

As frenzied fascination bubbled around the MIA Princess of Wales last month, Meghan unveiled her gleaming, greige lifestyle brand.

As frenzied fascination bubbled around the MIA Princess of Wales last month, Meghan unveiled her gleaming, greige lifestyle brand.

Perhaps, with the gossip gremlins working overtime to blow hot air about stricken Kate, Meghan couldn’t pass up a chance to rub up against the royal fairy dust.

After all, loose Windsor association and looser lips are the only things keeping her relevant. Spotify and the harsh Hollywood desert are hardly plumping her up Mount Olympus.

And so, cloaked in sepia and Montecito musk, she’s promising scents and serums, dog beds, doolies and napkin rings galore.

Or is she?

You see, now we know the devastating truth about Kate’s cancer diagnosis and this Martha Stewart misadventure is looking a bit Harry ham-fisted.

Even Meghan, never afraid to stick her LA oar where it’s not wanted, must surely know that any product releases of balsamic fig dip or grievance-scented smelling sticks would now leave her looking like a veritably unsympathetic Viscountess of Venom.

Might the entire homewares project, the Tig 2.0 and a promised Netflix cook show have to wither on the orchard vine?

The scriptwriters at South Park will certainly hope so.

It strikes me Meghan’s in a situation stickier than huckleberry jelly – but really, she only has herself to blame.

Though Kate’s cancer was still secret at the time of the brand launch, Meghan well knew like the rest of us that the 42-year-old mom of three was convalescing following abdominal surgery. Something rather serious was clearly amiss.

She’ll need her vegan-leather hiking boots to weasel out of this one. But our Meghan is nothing if not a transformer.

There’s always the re-re-re-launch.

Sex and the Snowflakes

The full monty of ‘Sex and the City’ episodes are now on Netflix, meaning millions of Gen-Z first-timers will be inducted into the wonderful world of phallic brunch talk and Manolo magnificence.

The snowflakes better pack smelling salts in their Pradas.

Whether it’s Samantha’s slurs about a trans prostitute, Charlotte forcing a boyfriend into circumcision, Miranda’s interracial fantasies, or Carrie’s disgust at a lover’s bisexuality, these pre-MeToo gems explode like politically incorrect confetti cannons.

Brace for the Twitter tantrum!

The full monty of 'Sex and the City' episodes are now on Netflix, meaning millions of Gen-Z first-timers will be inducted into the wonderful world of phallic brunch talk and Manolo magnificence.

The full monty of ‘Sex and the City’ episodes are now on Netflix, meaning millions of Gen-Z first-timers will be inducted into the wonderful world of phallic brunch talk and Manolo magnificence.

Floridian Inferno

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s new six-week abortion ban might come back to bite the GOP in their adult diapers.

The Sunshine State’s Supreme Court handed Sleepy Joe a double shot in the arm this week by ratifying the aggressive new law while simultaneously giving the go ahead for Dems to put the issue back on the ballot in November, just in time for the general election.

Abortion rights largely won the 2022 midterms for this administration. And now, with one-note Kamala already mounting the pro-choice bandwagon at every turn, you can bet Biden will fan the Florida flames to reignite his dreadful poll numbers.

Barbie barb

Shakira won’t be riding in a Pepto Bismol pink tour bus anytime soon.

The Latina crooner – known for her painfully honest hips – has bravely come out against the universally beloved Barbie movie because it made her young sons feel ’emasculated’.

She’s right: Greta Gerwig’s feminist shlock-a-thon steamrolled every man’s pride to prove the fairer sex is best.

But really this 4th quarter review is a little too obvious, much too late. What’s next, is she going to tell us Squid Game was quite violent and Al Gore really won Florida?

The Latina crooner - known for her painfully honest hips - has bravely come out against the universally beloved Barbie movie because it made her young sons feel 'emasculated'.

The Latina crooner – known for her painfully honest hips – has bravely come out against the universally beloved Barbie movie because it made her young sons feel ’emasculated’.

Haughty Hillary

The People’s Pantsuit is at it again.

Hillary Clinton fumbled with her special brand of nauseating straight-talk on Monday, telling fence-sitting voters who are worried about Biden’s advancing age to ‘get over yourself’… and vote for him anyway!

‘I don’t understand why this is even a hard choice [between Trump and Biden],’ she said to talk show host Jimmy Fallon. She made similar comments early last month.

It’s this kind of electorate-alienating hobsnobbery that saw her humiliated in 2016. 

Beyonce’s bum note

Whisper it but Beyonce’s new country album is… fine.

For all the frenzied talk of a genre-defying paradigm shift, ‘Cowboy Carter’ left me saddle sore in all the wrong places.

Pompous promises of collabs with legends Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton both turned out to be throwaway interludes.

Re-written ‘Jolene’ was better when Miley Cyrus covered it. ‘Texas Hold ‘Em’ grates after the 14th spin. And ’16 Carriages’ sounds like the soundtrack on my daughter’s favorite Disney movie.

‘Protector’ might contain an oh-so-sweet snippet of Queen Bey’s 6-year-old Rumi asking mommy for a lullaby, but this lackluster album is enough to put me to sleep. 

Whisper it but Beyonce’s new country album is… fine. For all the frenzied talk of a genre-defying paradigm shift, 'Cowboy Carter' left me saddle sore in all the wrong places.

Whisper it but Beyonce’s new country album is… fine. For all the frenzied talk of a genre-defying paradigm shift, ‘Cowboy Carter’ left me saddle sore in all the wrong places.

With friends like these…

Golden couple Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis rusted their reputation with retch-inducing public support for fellow Scientologist and bearded rapist Danny Masterson last fall.

Karma’s a Kunis because Kutcher the Career Butcher is now staring down another sordid scandal.

While there’s no suggestion of any wrongdoing on his part, sources say Kutcher fears his double-decade bromance with rapper and accused sex-trafficker Diddy could land him a subpoena.

‘Mila will not let Ashton be in any sort of contact [with Diddy],’ an insider told DailyMail.com.

One more ruinous ruction Chez Kutcher, and his ‘Black Swan’ actress wife might well fly the coop.

ᴀʀᴛɪᴄʟᴇ ꜱᴏᴜʀᴄᴇ

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