Preachiest sycophant, most shameless ‘In Memoriam’ and weirdest fashion flops – KENNEDY’s hilarious awards for the oh-so-woke and hypocritical Emmys… where an accused domestic abuser was the biggest winner!

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Written By Maya Cantina

The flower of hypocrisy blooms abundantly in Hollywood.

They’ll be there for you, Matthew Perry.

But not, apparently, for your alleged victims.

Halfway through the obligatory ‘In Memoriam’ at Monday night’s Emmys, the question crept into my mind: How will Tinseltown acknowledge Perry’s sudden death – and the ensuing allegations that he was a habitual woman beater?

Spoiler alert: not well.

Last week at the Golden Globes, the troubled Friend was ignored completely. But this 75th Emmys was all about nostalgia and grasping at the TV magic of yesteryear.

They couldn’t overlook Chandler Bing. So as headshots of Norman Lear, Angela Lansbury and Harry Belafonte faded in and out on a big screen, I knew what was going to happen.

‘I’ll be there for you,’ sang Charlie Puth and husband-and-wife duo The War and Treaty, ‘When the rain starts to pour’.

The Emmys went all in.

Perry received the loudest applause of all – the last shreds of #MeToo swept under the rug as a roomful of faux-moralists honored the dishonorable.

Perry received the loudest applause of all – the last shreds of #MeToo swept under the rug as a roomful of faux-moralists honored the dishonorable. (Above) In Memoriam at 2024 Emmys ceremony

White Lotus star Aubrey Plaza's dress (above) resembled a silky Post-It note

Aubrey Plaza at 2024 Emmys ceremony

White Lotus star Aubrey Plaza’s dress (above) resembled a silky Post-It note

After his death in October, sources close to Perry told DailyMail.com that – in his final years – he was abusive. He allegedly ‘threw a coffee table’ at his ex-fiancée and shoved his live-in sober companion into a wall and ‘threw her onto a bed.’ What’s more, despite proclaiming himself a champion for addicts trying to get clean, he was said to be regularly abusing hard drugs.

Regardless, the tribute was angelic.

What else would you expect from these preachy, oh-so-woke sycophants?

They don’t like to call out their own. Roman Polanski? Woody Allen? Will Smith?

Enter stage left, Emmys host and Jussie Smollett defender, Anthony Anderson, who is dogged by decades of sexual assault allegations himself. (Charges were dropped in two cases and the outcome of a third is unknown).

Call it good casting.

He decided to forego a monologue. After the Jo Koy-Golden Globes debacle, who could blame him?

Instead of the traditional set-up and punchline set, Anderson botched a musical tribute to a couple of iconic theme songs and an off-key, out-of-breath, out-of-depth cover of Phil Collins ‘In The Air Tonight’.

Lucky for Anderson, his mom was in the audience – and she was funnier than him. ‘Time’s up, baby,’ she hilariously snapped at her boy. ‘Wrap it up.’

Mercifully, the Emmy award winners were only given about 10 seconds to speak, and Anderson’s mommy was there to enforce – even holding up a giant clock when White Lotus star Jennifer Coolidge started ranting.

But – shock – left to their own devices (and without writers) these thespians still managed to act obnoxious.

Enter stage left, Emmys host and Jussie Smollett defender, Anthony Anderson (above), who is dogged by decades of sexual assault allegations himself.

Enter stage left, Emmys host and Jussie Smollett defender, Anthony Anderson (above), who is dogged by decades of sexual assault allegations himself.

After his death in October, sources close to Perry told DailyMail.com that – in his final years – he was abusive.

After his death in October, sources close to Perry told DailyMail.com that – in his final years – he was abusive.

Jeremy Allen White, who won Lead Actor in a Comedy for his cheffing in ‘The Bear’, seemed like he’d eaten one too many space cakes and repeatedly proclaimed ‘I love you!’ to a room of hundreds.

RuPaul’s Drag Race walked away with Best Reality Competition Program – giving that show a whopping 29 Emmys. Congrats! But then RuPaul urged America to let drag queens read books to kids. Heck, I’d prefer kids who can read. But… priorities!

Elton John finally won the rare EGOT (the designation for a winner of an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony Award) for his concert special ‘Elton John Live: Farewell from Dodger Stadium’ and he didn’t even show up to accept the statuette. God, he’s my favorite diva.

Niecy Nash-Betts (Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series in ‘Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story’) let the twin volleyballs smuggled in her dress do the talking. And her self-tribute was spot-on. ‘I wanna thank me for believing in me!’ she gushed.

At least there was one honest broker in the lot.

I had to cover my eyes when Anderson reappeared in a black latex suit for a cameo as American Horror Story’s Rubber Man.

Not this dude again!’ exclaimed actor Dylan McDermott.

‘Hard to breathe in these kinds of things,’ panted Anderson. ‘I don’t know how they do it in Pulp Fiction. Am I sweating back there?’

T.M.I. man.

Jeremy Allen White (above), who won Lead Actor in a Comedy for his cheffing in 'The Bear', seemed like he'd eaten one too many space cakes and repeatedly proclaimed 'I love you!' to a room of hundreds.

Jeremy Allen White (above), who won Lead Actor in a Comedy for his cheffing in ‘The Bear’, seemed like he’d eaten one too many space cakes and repeatedly proclaimed ‘I love you!’ to a room of hundreds.

Christina Applegate (above) walked out with the help of Anderson and a cane to a standing ovation.

Christina Applegate (above) walked out with the help of Anderson and a cane to a standing ovation. 

Mercifully, the Emmy award winners were only given about 10 seconds to speak, and Anderson's mommy was there to enforce – even holding up a giant clock when White Lotus star Jennifer Coolidge started ranting.

Mercifully, the Emmy award winners were only given about 10 seconds to speak, and Anderson’s mommy was there to enforce – even holding up a giant clock when White Lotus star Jennifer Coolidge started ranting.

Where’s the gimp ball when you need it?

But, honestly, the Emmys weren’t all bad.

There was a cameo by Ted Danson and the cast of Cheers on a re-created set. Katherine Heigl, wearing Jessica Rabbit’s red dress, reunited with the rest of the Grey’s Anatomy crew. That was only slightly awkward since Hiegl infamously withdrew herself from Emmys consideration in 2008, because she thought her scripts stunk.

The night wouldn’t have been complete without a look back at the Sopranos and, my fave, Martin.

The cast jaw-jacked about having never been nominated by the self-loathing establishment snobs, as Martin lingered off to the side. When he spoke, we all worried that he was not well or up to the task.

On the plus side, Tisha Campbell looked fantastic. Damn, Gina!

I had to cover my eyes when Anderson reappeared in a black latex suit for a cameo as American Horror Story's Rubber Man.

I had to cover my eyes when Anderson reappeared in a black latex suit for a cameo as American Horror Story’s Rubber Man.

Tisha Campbell (above) looked fantastic. Damn, Gina!

Tisha Campbell (above) looked fantastic. Damn, Gina!

Ali Wong

Laverne Cox

Beef’s Ali Wong (left) looked like she paired a baked potato wrapper with my dead aunt’s Goodwill skirt. Laverne Cox (right) appeared to be dressed in a cross between a trash bag and an exoskeleton.

And speaking of fashion: White Lotus star Aubrey Plaza’s dress resembled a silky Post-It note. Beef’s Ali Wong looked like she paired a baked potato wrapper with my dead aunt’s Goodwill skirt. And Laverne Cox appeared to be dressed in a cross between a trash bag and an exoskeleton.

But when I die, I want to come back as Hannah Waddingham’s impossible body. She looked phenomenal.

Sarah Snook also gets an honorable mention, who’s not a sucker for a Vivienne Westwood dress? And Dead to Me’s Christina Applegate, who has been living with multiple sclerosis for years, gave us all a lesson in how to shine – no matter what.

She walked out with the help of Anderson and a cane to a standing ovation. ‘Thank you so much. Oh my god, you’re totally shaming me [and my] disability by standing up,’ she deadpanned. ‘It’s fine. OK. Body not by Ozempic. OK let’s go.’

Now that’s a real star.

Sorry, Anthony. Like your mom said, your time is up.

Now go dry off.

ᴀʀᴛɪᴄʟᴇ ꜱᴏᴜʀᴄᴇ

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