The truth: white sausage in a black hole

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By Pinang Driod

Navi makes you dumb: It’s only dumb when it’s your own device in the car and it’s freaking out your brain while you’re driving. With the support of a second device!

Car crashed into river

Relying on a navigation device can go terribly wrong Photo: Reuters

Driving from A to B shouldn’t be that hard. After all, it sounds like they’re right next to each other. I also use two navigation systems at the same time: Google Maps on my smartphone and the car’s own navigation system with its outdated datasets.

I am in deepest Bavaria. This means that the app repeatedly cannot find a network. “Bing!” is always heard when reception drops, and to me it always feels like the compass is spinning in the middle of the desert because water has gotten into the housing.

I am completely lost. But now the on-board navigation system kicks in and a cutting female voice calls out to me: “Turn! Turn around immediately!” Or: “Turn right at the next street and then immediately right again!” So ​​you have to continue to where you came from. What devilish game is she playing? Why does she want to prevent me from going to B? Why does she hate me so much?

It is not for nothing that the only difference between “Navi” and “Nazi” is a single letter. Her favorite words are “immediately,” “instantly,” “turn,” and “turn around.” She is fundamentally wrong. The information you are entering probably comes from a time when the earth was considered flat. This obviously affects the route.

Goodwill and solidarity

The Google woman not only seems much more competent, her voice is also much more sympathetic, softer and somehow more human. She makes more comradely offers, trusting in good will and cooperation, while the other simply gives orders. Anything goes, nothing is required. The two of us are a team, says the Google voice, equal companions in the wilderness. We make it.

“Drive, you driving pig!” says the angry one. The experts contradict each other again and again. One calmly, the other complaining. I ask myself several times why the two don’t really box each other. But that would definitely not be the style of my favorite, she wouldn’t do that. She would tackle the problems calmly and patiently and try to convince the incompetent nonsense with facts.

So I trust her. Unfortunately, the app – “bing!” – keeps crashing on public roads. Because whether it’s card payments, cell towers or wind turbines, the local mix of well-heeled esotericists and conservative rural populations is slowing progress. 67 percent voted for various shades of black and brown in the last state election; that’s, hardly coincidentally, a significantly higher percentage than the COVID vaccination rate.

In order to evoke a so-called harmony of tradition and technology, the slogan “Laptop and Lederhosen” (Roman Herzog) was created. And in fact, the laptop and lederhosen can be interchanged at will, as they are also offline. Laphose and leather top, laptop and liver cheese, liver cheese and leather pants, lap cheese and liver pants, liver top and leather cheese, Laberkopp, liver cirrhosis, life sentence, meal.

The dysfunctionality that comes from misplaced hubris doesn’t stop at the capital Munich. Quite the opposite. Suburbanites without their own BMWs have a de facto curfew from 10pm, because the S-Bahn, which only runs every forty minutes, often stops working without comment. Bandits, landslide, broken wheel? You don’t know and you never will.

The complete failure exposes those in the world South German newspaperthis Bavarian courier for Alphabeten, the newspaper’s own text genre, bashing Berlin, which has been celebrated for years as exotic fairy tales from a thousand and one mental nights; dystopias from a hell in which you only find yourself. In retrospect, the Hohngebelfer in Munich, especially in light of the winter S-Bahn problems in Berlin, turns out to be singing loudly in the forest.

Relatively speaking, deportations still work best, but not of suicide bombers who get the white sausage water after the clock has rung, but rather of people who already have jobs, because they take away jobs that no one wants from other people who don’t want them to exist.

Babble and confusion

When the radio signal finally returns, the Google woman also seems confused: Even though contact is lost for only a few seconds, she orders in a general and meaningless way: “Turn around at the Strait of Magellan and start heading south, unfortunately.” Both ladies also have their nerdy Girl Scout talk: “Start at Sesame Street heading east.” Yeah, how am I supposed to know where east is: Am I Alexander von Humboldt?

So I have the desired route streamed to a smartphone app using mobile data via satellite positioning in an ultramodern high-performance vehicle and have to get out before the journey even starts to feel the tree trunks outside to see which way the moss is growing so that I know in which direction I should actually start? In the 21st century! That’s completely crazy.

The cacophonous dissonance of the navigators is weighing on me more and more. My nerves! Soon I won’t be able to do this anymore. Maybe it would even be better if they both destructively poisoned me.

I now find the Google aunt’s unwavering servility a completely false, passive-aggressive whim. In short, the other one is much more honest: she has a low-paying, bad job that she clearly doesn’t want, and she lets it go by making it as bad as possible. Who couldn’t understand that? On the other hand, I find such a zealous underhanded person much scarier. Always nice and friendly at first, and then suddenly – bang! Bing! – End of the expansion path.

The truth on taz.de

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