“Don’t Bother Me!”: What Constantly Complaining to Your Child Does to Him
The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. Unfortunately, this is not an empty phrase. That is why we need to finally stop shaming our children so much.
The one with one
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This article was written by Inke Hummel and first appeared on her blog.
We live on a mountain road. At the top there is a nursery school. Every morning many children and parents make this journey to the care, and I see and hear them again and again. Some hop happily, others sit tired in the buggy. Some people discover ornamental quinces in the bushes or small stones in the gutter on the way. Still others complain and cry and barely make the journey. Or talk and sing to yourself, unaware of the world.
One family always catches my attention. Every day. Because their son tries to follow the path, not to disturb, but sometimes he is curious and wants to take a good look. And sometimes he is dreamy and stops or drops something. No matter which parent accompanied him, no one ever really noticed him or spoke politely to him.
“You’re crazy!”
‘Don’t be so annoying anymore.’
‘Damn, you almost made me fall.’
“Can’t you go even faster?”
He hears that every day. No matter how he behaves. Sometimes he goes further and hurries. Sometimes he stops and freezes. Stands still. Is overwhelmed.
Who am I and what does the world look like?
Another child just passed by. He didn’t want to go up the mountain. Maybe he was still tired. asked his father, stroked him, carried him for a while despite the many bags, encouraged him, showed understanding. I don’t know if he is always so affectionate, but I noticed it when I compared him. Because the other child never experienced affection when I saw him. Neither family needed much more time than the other to complete the mountain.
About Inke Hummel
Inke Hummel, MA pedagogue from Bonn, works as a family consultant, in the field of further training for pedagogical specialists and as an author of parenting guides and children’s books. She has three teenage children. She is also involved in the board of the association Bindings
What lies behind it cannot be judged or even condemned. I do not want to write about that, or about possible help that may already be available. That is not what I am talking about here. I want to focus on the children.
What do you think they think about themselves? What do they think about the world? How much trust is there? How much confidence? How much joy in life? How much certainty?
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“Not too strict, not too narrow – your safe path between name-calling and false pampering” by Inke Hummel
Our words shape our sense of self-worth
These are exactly the questions we should be asking ourselves from a developmental psychology perspective. Because it has an impact, especially on self-confidence and self-esteem, when parents do not even say a harsh sentence, but this form of communication is the standard that a child experiences at home. This will make him doubt and feel wrong and inferior.
A lot depends on it, namely how it feels and also how it behaves in many other situations in its life:
- How well will the child in question cope when he arrives at nursery school and someone else throws a car at his shin in the cloakroom? Will she also react unjustifiably aggressively?
- How well can each child probably handle it if he finds out at nursery school that the long-awaited baking day is cancelled today? Will he be able to deal with his frustration well, even if he has learned something different at home?
- How good does each child feel when they are picked up after an exciting day at nursery and run down the mountain the same way they were led up in the morning? Do the words of the morning resonate? Do you go home happy or with a big lump in your throat?
- How does each child feel when they lie in bed at night and have to take a break from the world? Does it feel well protected or helpless and alone?
- And also: how will the child grow up in the coming years? Will aggression become his strategy? Will every little mistake make him panic?
There is no need for perfection and no anger-free parents. But we shape the beliefs that influence our children well into adulthood. We influence the sounds and words that our children carry in their hearts. “You’re wrong.” doesn’t sound good.